Men Are Not Always Horny: 13 Tips on How to Get Your Partner in the Mood
Contrary to popular belief, men are not always ready for sex. How can we be mindful of consent or make sure someone wants to reciprocate sexually?
There is this incredible concept called “non concordance” that most sex educators, and therapists have knowledge of, but the general population may not know too much about. This is one of the body's genital responses, and what it means is that a person can have a physiological response (an erection, wetness, etc.) and not be in the mood mentally to have sex. An easier way to understand this is when thinking about hunger. Think about seeing a food that you want come out of the kitchen at a restaurant, but you just ate a 3-course meal yourself, so you are not hungry at all. You may look at that food and go “wow that looks so good, but I’m not hungry for it right now” (even though you're salivating for it). This is a great concept to understand, especially for men, and people with penises because we can actually see their turn on happening (via an erection), but that doesn’t necessarily mean that they are mentally stimulated for sex.
It is always important to verbally check in with your partner, whether it be a casual hookup, or someone you’ve been with for 5+ years, and have a conversation about this. Ask questions, and make sure seeing or feeling arousal is not your only cue to begin having sex. Get curious about what turns that person on, and what will make them not only physiologically aroused, but also mentally aroused.
Remember that biggest sex organ is the brain. All of the “tips and tricks” are great, but mean nothing without that mental arousal, so my tips and tricks are going to be geared toward that process of getting mentally in the mood. Special attention can be paid towards men and masc folks here because often neglect to ask men what they want during sex because of that pre conceived notion that they are “always horny”. There are so many sensations, and realms of sex that this demographic does not get to explore because of this notion. Let’s explore a little more together. Here are some 13 tips to get your partner in the mood.
Do not assume: Do not assume that just because you see an erection that your partner is turned on. Remember that physical stimulation does not necessarily equal mental stimulation, so check in with him and make sure he is relaxed and enjoying what is happening too.
Slow down- Men or anyone who was socialized as masculine are typically not used to doing this. Try slowing down the process when either learning about someone else’s body, or receiving pleasure from someone else. Instead of trying to quickly get to the penetrative part of sex, or reach orgasm, just take some time to slow down and learn what feels good on the body. Explore different sensations, different speeds, different pressures, and use this time as an exploratory foreplay.
Taking care of external stressors: External stressors can and often do serve as our “sexual breaks”. These show up as intrusive thoughts during sex that take us out of the moment. Picture yourself getting an amazing head, and then all of a sudden you remember a project you have due tomorrow, or that you have clothes in the dryer. For some people these external factors are no big deal, but for others it can take them out of the moment and make sex really hard to concentrate on. So take care of all your stressors first and make sure you are focused on the present moment.
Build anticipation: This is a great activity for partners who are long distance, who work separately, who have been dating for a while. Build anticipation. Send a naughty picture during the day to get him worked up for when he comes home. Have him thinking about you all day, and allow his mind to run wild, building anticipation, and creating a stronger desire for the next time you see each other.
Novelty: Novelty is great! When Meghan the Stallion says “switch my wig make’em feel like he cheatin” THIS IS WHAT SHE MEANT. Keep things novel! We all have different novelty seeking traits, and some people need more novelty in order to be aroused. Buy new outfits, try different positions, add new sensations (heat, ice, food, feathers, chains, wax whatever you want). Continue to create novelty, and allow each sexual encounter to feel like a new novel experience. (when you have the energy too of course). If you’re looking to explore something like wax play, you can check out my wax play workshop.
Spontaneity or planned spontaneity: Spontaneity is a great way to keep the spark alive in your sex life. Plan on laying on the bed naked for him to ravish you when he comes home, or send him a text when he is on his way and tell him to strip down before he comes in the room and be ready to give you what you need. Make sure he would be willing to receive these surprises too by gauging his mood before arriving.
Effort: This one is sooo important! Sometimes it is not about what you do, but that you’ve done something. Depending on the love language of your partner, or what arouses them, play on that. Whether it’s cooking a meal for them, or showing them a new position that you’ve learned that you’d like to try, these behaviors show that you’ve put effort into having sex and that can make a person feel desired, and ready to give.
Texting throughout the day- Send flirty text messages all day to get them in the mood for the next time they see you.
Read erotic stories together- This one can be exciting, and extremely arousing. It allows you to explore eroticism together, and move through getting turned on with each other.
Watch porn together: Similar to reading erotic stories, show each other pron that gets you turned on. Talk about it, and share what you liked and what you disliked, and watch porn together that gets you aroused.
Incorporate power dynamics: This one is a bit more in depth, but play with the idea of incorporating power dynamics. Relinquish control to him, or control him for a change. This can incorporate an entirely new level of connection and exploration. There is so much more to this that can be discussed, but to learn about it more you can start with a basic BDSM workshop.
Basic needs: sleep, eat healthy, hydration, stamina-First and foremost, get you and your partners basic needs met. If sex is on the table, you’re going to want to make sure that nothing else is going to come up. Stay hydrated, eat healthy, and make sure you are not tired.
Get your heart rate up: go to the gym, do an activity! Sometimes you just have to get started in order to get going. Move around, go to the gym, go for a run, do an activity together to get your heart rate moving then keep that energy as you get undressed.
If this is something that you feel like you’d like continued support moving through, you can fill out a coaching form.
