BDSM Basics: A Beginner’s Guide to Aftercare
Exploring BDSM can seem like you are going down a rabbit hole of possibilities of costumes, ideas, toys, and experiences that you can have with your partner, but I would argue that no technique or tool is more important to have under your belt than and understanding of aftercare.
Aftercare is the time after a scene, when partners tend to one another’s physical, psychological,and emotional needs. What is important to understand about this practice, is that it is made necessary because of how intense and potentially cathartic kink shows to be. Many people describe a feeling of “euphoria” when they engage in kink or BDSM. Kink can be used to experience a wide array of sensations that otherwise would be dangerous to explore in other potentially dangerous environments.
In kink and BDSM relationships, our wounded and exiled parts are welcomed. The parts of us that have been shamed, that have been hurt, that have been rejected, are all welcomed. - Mistress Blunt & Somatic Witch
You see, kink is not just about whips, chains, and pain. It is about taking both receivers and givers to altered states of consciousness, and allow safety and consent to serve as the foundation of new exploration. The first altered state of consciousness that we are going to talk about is sub space.
What is sub-space?
In a study, that researched hormonal changes during consensual BDSM activity, this headspace was identified as something specific to bottoms and receivers.When the folks entered this headspace they entered a state known as “transient hypofrontality” in which the focused thinking part of our brains shut down. This headspace is accompanied by feelings of floating, incoherence, and an inclination to focus on the “here and now”, and reduction of pain sensitivity. Transient hypo-frontality is also commonly associated with other common activities such as yoga, meditation, deep sleep, or a runner’s “high”.
What is sub-drop?
During subspace, receivers have increased cortisol, decreased pain, increased levels of feeling floaty or euphoric, and sometimes even entering transient hypfrontality. All of these feelings together make up “subspace”. Subdrop is coming down from all of these feelings; feeling normal pain again, not feeling euphoric or floaty anymore, a leveling out of cortisol in the body, not to mention a leveling out of other chemicals that may get released during the process including dopamine and serotonin. If we are going to talk about sub-drop we need to talk about top-drop as well.
Do tops need aftercare too?
The answer is- it depends. When tops or givers are engaging in kink they experience something entirely different than a bottom or receiver. Folks who participated in the same study but were providing stimulation, orders, or structure entered a state of mind that is referred to as “flow”. This state is associated with focused attention, a loss of self consciousness, and optimal performance task. The aftercare for tops or givers will look different because they are in a more optimal headspace.
What does aftercare look like?
Aftercare can look like absolutely anything you want. I like to break it up into two main categories: Psychological/ Emotional and Physical, and make sure you are doing at least one thing from each.
Physical Aftercare Needs
Attend to all wounds and marks properly
Getting food or water
Blankets or extra layers of clothing for comfort, or to help regulate body temperature
Physical touch: kissing, hugging, gently rubbing, massages.
Warm baths or showers
Take a walk, do some stretches, or move your body in anyway that is enjoyable for you.
Psychological/Emotional Aftercare Needs
Words of affirmation: “you did such a good job” or “wow I’m so proud of you” to increase moral.
Discussing likes and dislikes about the scene that just took place outside of the power dynamic that was used. This can help all parties involved freely express what they liked, and what they’d like differently next time.
Discussing non kink or BDSM related topics to help move away from the intensity of the scene.
And these are just a few tips! There are truly so many different aspects to engaging in aftercare, and ways that it can help create stronger bonds among you and your partner(s), or it can help you regulate emotions and create safety within your body. If you’re interested in learning more about aftercare, check out my workshop A Beginner’s Guide to Aftercare for $19, where you can learn in detail about the brain during kink, how to negotiate an aftercare scene, and more.
